Strip Quidditch and Tea Cozies
by Berserker Nightwitch
Summary: Marauder Era. Watch as the Marauders and their girlfriends try to survive Hogwarts, love, and pranks of their own making. Rating for possible future content. Better than it sounds.


A/N: Please note that there are original characters in this, we are revising Peter's height because it'll fit our purposes later on, and we will NOT be using the metric system… It still confuses me…. And just to let you know, the funny ideas that the Marauders will get into are based very closely on - and taken with permission from - the fic Padfoot Prohibited by EvrChanginAnthem. Read that story, it's great!

XXXXXX

"Okay, do you have all of the banners in the classroom?"

"All twelve hundred of them."

"And the music?"

"Yes, I organized the choir to start as soon as she walks in."

"And what about her outfit?"

"Charmed to fit around her the moment she walks through the door."

"And the groom?"

"Inside, thinking he's going to get a… different…. kind of candy."

"He's not getting candy, it's cookies."

"Oh! Here she comes! Get in the room! Hurry!"

The three teens ran into the classroom shortly before their teacher. They got to their seats, smiling to the headmaster when he looked at them curiously. As Professor and Deputy Headmistress, Minerva McGonagall walked into the room, a white dress wrapped itself around her and the wedding march began to play, while the choir sang along with it. Headmaster Dumbledore smiled and stood when he realized his part in the proceedings.

After the 'ceremony', McGonagall and Dumbledore dragged four protesting and three quiet students up to the Headmaster's office. Sirius Black, his girlfriend Pip Lupin, James Potter, and Peter Pettigrew alternated between arguing with and sweet-talking the two teachers as they reached their destination. Remus Lupin - Pip's older brother, his girlfriend Fiona Sawyer, and James' girlfriend Lily Evans trailed behind them quietly, having accepted their fate. They always got punished with the rest of the group, even if they had no idea what was going on.

"While I understand your need, as teenagers, to be constantly in the middle of some kind of drama," McGonagall began, "you need to learn to control yourselves."

"But professor," Lily argued softly, still respectful. "We aren't in need of some drama. We have already experienced more than anyone could possibly want. This latest…. incident was merely a way for some people to release their boredom."

Sirius grinned. "Well, that, and we think you two would make a cute couple." McGonagall, Lily, and Fiona all glared at him. "What? I even asked people around the school! Over four hundred students, staff, and ghosts agree that you two should get married!"

"Sirius! You are _not_ helping!" Remus hissed.

Sirius looked at his friend blankly before announcing, "I'm hungry." He then turned to the teachers. "Do you still have anymore of that wedding cake?" He watched in awe as a vein began throbbing behind McGonagall's jaw.

"We really only wanted to see you two happy," Pip explained.

"Be that as it may, Ms. Lupin, that is not why we brought the seven of you up here."

"It's not?" Sirius asked dumbly.

"No, Mr. Black. If we had wanted to yell at you for this, we could have done so in my classroom, in front of the present members of the student body. As usual."

"Then… why did you bring us up here?" Fiona asked, already dreading the answer.

"Your parents feel it would be beneficial to your educations and futures if you were sent to different schools. With all seven of you here at the same time, none of you are giving your studies the attention they deserve. After many meetings with your parents, it has been decided that Remus and Philippa Lupin will be sent to Beauxbatons, James Potter to Durmstrang, Fiona Sawyer and Peter Pettigrew to the Salem Academy in America, and Sirius Black and Lily Evans will remain here."

"But Headmaster! You can't split us up! Please! We didn't mean to get in all those fights! Can't we have another chance?" James' body was stiff with apprehension.

"This is not a punishment, Mr. Potter, but a chance for you all to realize your potential," Dumbledore explained.

"Then why does it feel like a punishment?" Pip shouted, holding back tears and curling into the safety of her boyfriend's arms.

"I am sorry to do this to all of you, but you have until the end of the Christmas holidays to say your goodbyes."

'''''''

"James! Wait up!"

"If I wait for you I'll be late, too!"

"So? At least then I'd have company being late!"

The four boys were running toward the train. The whistle was blowing shrilly as the train left the station. James Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew raced after the train, having missed it by only a minute. Remus, being the tallest and having the longest legs, had already reached the back of the train and pulled himself on board. He was reaching over the railing to help James, the next tallest, onto the train. Sirius was not far behind him, and Peter, who was in the worst shape, lagged behind.

Eventually, all four boys made it onto the train and headed to their usual compartment. They had spent the last two weeks of the summer holiday at James' house, and, being a quartet of teenage boys, had overslept and very nearly missed the train. Sirius scowled up at James and Remus.

"What?" James asked, shouldering past smaller students.

"I hate you both," Sirius pouted.

"What did we do this time?" Remus questioned with a grin.

"You're too bloody tall!"

"Peter's taller than you…"

"But only by an inch! You guys are about six inches taller!" James laughed and wrapped an arm around Sirius. Sirius pouted, then grinned, when he was pulled closer and realized he reached about the middle of James' nose.

"We won't hate you for being short. Oh, look. We're here." Remus pulled open the door to the compartment holding the female counterparts of the Marauders. None of the girls were really involved in their pranks, but they usually knew about them. The boys sat down quickly, as if they had been there the whole time.

The seven teenagers sat in the car staring at each other for a long minute before Fiona Sawyer broke the silence. "So… where were you guys?"

"What are you talking about?" James asked. "We've been here the whole time."

"Uh-huh… Then why didn't we see you earlier?"

"We were… in the bathroom…" Sirius answered.

"The bathroom?" Lily asked skeptically.

"Yeah… Thanks Peter," Sirius answered, shooting an 'annoyed' look at Peter.

"Huh? Oh yeah…" He rubbed his stomach lightly. "Beans last night…"

There was a moment of silence in the car as the girls stared at the boys, using their 'feminine charms' to make the boys tell the truth. In other words, the girls glared at them until they broke down and confessed. Just before someone did, however, Sirius jumped up.

"Remy with boobs!" he shouted, pointing his wand at Remus' chest. Suddenly, two large objects jutted out beneath Remus' shirt. "Nice, Remy. I never would have thought of you as a Double 'D'." Remus simply glared at his friend.

"Not… cool…"

The girls, however, were feeling their own chests. "I wish mine were that big," Fiona mumbled.

James leered and leaned over to whisper in Peter's ear, "Best distraction ever…"

The girls looked up when Remus stood slowly and turned to face Sirius. "You have… two seconds… to remove these things… Or I will neuter you."

"Don't you want to _touch_ them?" Sirius suggested.

Remus' face remained impassive. "One second." The black-haired boy shrugged and reduced Remus' chest size back to normal. "Thank you. I know that's the only way you'll get to see them without going to Azkaban, but please refrain from doing that in the future." He sat back down, his face never changing expression.

"You're no fun, Moony."

"And you have illegal fun, Padfoot."

"I have a penis!" James chipped in, confusing most of the girls.

"Good to know. At least Lily now knows the sex of the person she's dating." Remus still had yet to change from his bland expression.

"Like she didn't before…" Sirius added. "Bow-shika-wow-wow." He then rotated his hips in a circle and made a circle with his fists.

Lily dropped her head in disgust. "You are such a perv, Sirius!"

"And you, Miss Evans, are a prude."

The rest of the train ride passed in relative peace, broken only by the screams of 'fight!'. The seven friends ran into the hallway to see Narcissa Black screaming at her boyfriend of two years, Lucius Malfoy.

"I thought I knew you! Then you went and helped someone! How could you? You gave money to that… that… Mudblood swine!"

"Only because my father made me!"

"That doesn't make a difference!"

"You can't yell at me! I am the one in charge in this relationship! Women should know their place."

"I do know my place! In charge of you!"

The seven teens slipped back into their compartment. "I always knew she was insane… Just like her mother… and sisters… My cousins are all out of their minds…"

"Yeah… do you think that stuff would happen if we ever paired up?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like… Say Sirius and Fiona- "

Sirius and Fiona both looked at each other, then back to Lily. "Eww… No."

"Just let me finish… I can see them getting in an argument over who has the better wand… I can just see it. Sirius would be like 'Mine's longer!', and then Fiona would be like 'Compensating much?', and they would end up in a Quidditch match to the death."

"And I would win," Fiona announced smugly.

"As if," Sirius retorted, doing a perfect impression of Lily's voice.

"Should we be worried that you can do that so well?" Pip asked.

"Yes," James said, nodding sagely.

"Well what about Pip and James?" Peter asked. Lily laughed.

"James would say something like 'Let's go harass the first years and Snape', and then Pip would be like 'Oh, but we did that _last_ week. Let's go paint all of the statues in the castle neon colors.'"

Everyone but the two in question dropped to their knees in the compartment and clasped their hands together. "Thank you, Lord," they all whispered. "That is a match we don't need to see." The two in question both thought about the possibilites such a prank could have, but discarded it as being too mellow.

"What about Remus and Lily?" Fiona asked. Pip snorted.

"Yeah right! Nothing would ever happen. It would be like 'Wanna go out?' 'Sure.'… Then they'd both read until they died and neither would ever lose their virginity."

Sirius leaned over and whispered in Pip's ear, "Like Lily has any left…."

"What are you implying Sirius Owen Black!" Lily demanded.

"Just that you and Jimmy-boy have too much fun sometimes… I saw him coming back to the dormitories with a stupid grin on his face after the two of you 'monitored' the halls."

"But he always has a stupid grin on his face," Fiona pointed out.

"Then he must be getting lucky more often than me."

"Sirius, you're still a virgin. You know it. We know it. The teachers know it…"

Sirius sighed and looked down. "Sure… kill my dreams…"

"You're not a pimp… You're just a flirt."

The train pulled into the station after another half hour of near-silence. Near-silence because, with Sirius' mumbling and James snoring, nothing could be considered quiet. True to the past, Lily and James stepped off the train first, cuddled in each other's arms. They were followed by Remus, Fiona, Sirius, and Pip. Peter trailed behind them. Pip and Fiona exchanged a look.

"I need a cuddle buddy," Fiona announced. "I choose you!" She latched onto Remus' arm, and his face turned a cherry red. Pip leaned against Sirius, grinning at him when he looked down at her in surprise. He grinned back and brought his fist down quickly in a victorious gesture. Peter looked on longingly for a moment, then saw a Ravenclaw in their year smiling at him shyly. He held his arm out for her and she settled in next to him.

''''''''

Coming Up Next: How do our heroes cope with their sixth year in Hogwarts? What romantic surprises await them? Is Sirius _really_ still a virgin? (Pip: Um… Duh….) Find out next time!


End file.
